Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Clinging to HOPE


I've been fighting back tears for most of today....

...sometimes successfully, and other times not so successfully.  



I can't even begin to explain the tremendous amount of pain my body has been in for a couple days in a row now... 

Everything hurts...it hurts to breath...to laugh...to cry...to move...to stay still...to reach up and brush my hair...to hold my make up brush long enough to put something on so my pale face doesn't scare people.  My arms, back, chest and legs are throbbing.  The burning doesn't seem to end and an ice bath sounds incredible...except that I know that won't take this kind of burning away.

 I hate Lymes Disease. :-P

Some days I'm strong...and other days I'm not. Today is not a strong day for me. Some days I can hide the pain well...and other days I can't.  Today I couldn't hide the pain. I went into work for just 2 hours this morning and was SO thankful the other receptionist came in early so that I could go home and lay down...I felt like if I would've had to work much longer I would've burst into tears in front of a random person at work...and that would've been BEYOND embarrassing. 

Do I not have enough faith to be healed?  Is God upset at me for something?  Questions fill my mind and the answers seem far away.  God seems far away.  My emotions would tell me that since I can't see God or feel Him right now that He doesn't care...

And yet...my heart, my mind and my spirit are refuting what my emotions are telling me.  NO...God is NOT distant...NO, He HASN'T forgotten about me. The Jesus who walked the earth and healed all who came to Him in the New Testament is the same Jesus today. <3 And He's MY Jesus...He's ALIVE...in my heart.

Honestly...today...I don't have the strength to go thru and find verse after verse of promises from Jesus.  It's not that I don't want too...I'm just beyond exhausted.  And so...tonight I'm clinging to two innocent and simple truths...clinging to them because it's all my mind can process and handle right now. 

1.) Jesus Knows <3 <3  (It's just so comforting knowing that Jesus knows, cares and is with me every step of this Journey...I'm not alone)

2.) HIS grace IS sufficient...HE is enough for me. <3 


HE is enough...and HE knows. <3 


Basically, tonight...answers aren't enough....but "when answers aren't enough there is Jesus." 


I don't mean for this to be a depressing blog post!!!  I'm thinking that I didn't accomplish my goal of NOT making it sound depressing.  I just needed to write about the pain...I rarely IF EVER am completely honest with people about how bad I feel and how much pain I'm in.  It scares me being "real" with people about my sickness...especially verbally. It's way easier for me to put it in writing.  I go back and forth between feeling like I don't want to burden people with them knowing I'm sick...and then feeling like being "real" is the best way to be.  But I've learned that the more I'm real...the more others are real with me...and so that has been encouraging. :)  Still working thru when to be honest with people about how I really feel and when to just stick to the good ol' stereotype "I'm great!",  "I'm good!" :)  But anyways...I digress... GUESS WHAT????  Someday this blog is going to include a post about HIS MIRACULOUS healing in my life...the pain will cease...life will come back to me...I won't have to muster up energy just to brush my hair...and I'll RUN that Marathon with Jesus. :)  ((No literally, I REALLY AM going to physically RUN a marathon when I'm all better!! ;) ;) )) So...if anyone reads this...please don't feel sorry or bad for me. Yes, today is a hard day...but I've got Jesus...  I have questions about why He's allowed this...but I'm not questioning HIS LOVE for one split second. <3  He shed every last drop of blood for me on the cross...why on earth would I ever question His love...even on days like today.  So I write this to document where I'm at right now...so that someday SOON I can look back and rejoice over where Jesus has brought me from. :)  

Yeah, I feel like giving up...yeah, I'm discouraged...and yeah, I hate Lymes Disease.  But Jesus isn't letting me give up!  Jesus isn't letting me land in discouragement because Jesus already won the battle against Lymes. :)  Clinging to HIS HOPE, encouragement and victory.  And on days like today when I feel too weak to keep fighting...He says, "Daughter, it's okay...just rest...your Daddy's fighting for you...let me be enough for you right now and rest in the knowledge that I know every detail of every pain you feel...it won't last forever and I'm not going to waste your pain."  

Thank You, Jesus....thank you that you love me even on my weak days. <3 

Love,
Monica


"But they who WAIT upon the LORD shall RENEW their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."~Isaiah 40:31  
Waiting on YOU, God...  Looking forward to that day when YOU "renew my strength." In the meantime, make me faithful and help me to LIVE for you...whether I'm in so much pain I can't move or in zero pain...help me LIVE for You no matter what. And THANK YOU for giving this verse to me as one of my life verses...little did I know way back when I was FULL of LIFE and ENERGY what a beautiful reminder this verse would be to me years later when weakness vs strength overcame me.  It's a "LIFE VERSE" from my Father in Heaven...which means it's not just a Disney "wish"...it's a TRUE, LEGIT "This is gonna happen" type deal. :)  Praise the Lord!  <3


P.S.  You know what one of the BIGGEST things is that makes me feel better??  PRAYING FOR PEOPLE!! :)  Yes...getting my focus OFF of myself and onto others is one of the most healing things for me.  Seeing Jesus working in others' lives...answering prayer...watching HIM comfort others thru the trials they are going thru and watching how He is faithful to them thru their hard times...just like He's faithful to me thru my hard times. Sooo...here's where you come in!  If you have a prayer request that you'd like me to pray about for you...please don't hesitate to e-mail me with it: hisgirlforever@gmail.com  There's a lot of things I can't do right now...but I can pray for people...I can pray for *you*. :)  And I can't tell you the joy that spending time with Jesus and praying brings to me. So, e-mail me...anytime with a prayer request or praise and I'd love to hear from you. :)  Many blessings! <3 ~Monica

4 comments:

  1. I think you and Job from the bible are distant relatives! :D On a more serious note we are praying for you I can't wait to see you! love ya chum hang in there

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    1. Hahaha....oh Annie...you always know how to make me laugh!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and thank you loads for your prayers. <3 They mean the world. SEE YOU SOON CHUMMY CHUM CHUM! xoxo

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  2. Monica, you are so special to God and to everyone who knows you! Thank you for praying for us (friends, family, whoever) as we continue to pray for you. Keep clinging to the ONLY ONE who is ENOUGH!

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    1. Awww....Mrs. Clifton...you are so precious. Thank you for your kind, loving words. I love you all and definitely am praying for you all. <3 Thanks for praying for ME!

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Well "hey" there!!

Always good to hear from you. :)

God bless you with a *beautiful* day.

~Monica